Played around with my LJ theme. My background’s no longer Gravitation (though my mood theme and friend’s only banner remain Gravitation until I can be bothered designing something new) and the colours aren’t so bright but are still vibrant enough not to be depressing.

Speaking of depressing, I’m not in the greatest of moods at the moment. I just want to break down, and for once something has actually triggered this feeling.

I’m not going to go into why, but it’s connected to the usual things.

This morning I wanted to talk things through with my mum. Instead of giving me advice, she changed the topic to food.

This afternoon I wish she was here to talk about food and distract me, or to at least be more of a presence in the house than the pets (who just want to sleep).

I just want to be happy.

~Glitnir

Quote of the Day: "Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Okay, so this happen just minutes after I posted that last entry. Quotation marks are because I just copied this off my tumblr.

"Okay, so I doubt that anyone will find this as hilarious as I do, or even care at all but...

I was on the online TV Guide, looking up when all the shows I watch are on so that I can put them on my calendar rather then forgetting the days and having to look them up every week.

So I type in 'being human'...'Whitechapel'...'Dirk Gently'....'Supernatural'...

Then just for fun I typed in 'Dracula A.D. 1972', my favourite vampire movie which I first saw on TV years ago and was finally able to track down on DVD recently, fully expecting nothing to turn up.

But what is this I see?

My favourite vampire movie is on TONIGHT (/in the wee hours of tomorrow morning).

If I hadn't already been sitting on the floor, I would have fallen off my chair. As it was I just laughed loudly for a while, disturbing my cats sleep and forcing my mum to turn up the volume on the TV.

Who'd have thunk it?

If any of my followers live in Australia, I recommend you watch it.

In the meantime I'm going to work on my happy dance gifs."

I'm still laughing.

~Glitnir

I have never thought of myself as someone who hides who she is.

I had intended to write some long entry about how I have recently come to realise that this is not true...but I can’t.

My words fail me.

I would delete this entry and start again with no mention of it whatsoever, but I feel that just those few lines are a necessary step towards not hiding. So I’m just going to continue on about other stuff.

For example, how a few days ago I actually felt happy for a while.

Usually even when something good happens my mind is still concerned with the bad stuff. My day could go well and I’ll be happy about that, but at the same time I’ll still be upset that I’m unemployed, have no friends, and soon my dad will be coming home (and once that happens there will be no good days).

But this one thing made me so excited that I was temporarily able to smother all that and just enjoy the moment.

Now, you’re probably thinking that my long-time crush has asked me out, or have been hired for my dream job, or even that an old best friend is coming to visit, or some such thing that would make life seem better. But no. That’s not it. I have no crush (and even if I did, the last time I got asked out didn’t end well so I would not be happy), I am still unemployed (as I said – going on 6 months now), and the idea of anyone coming to visit me is laughable (I’ve already received a letter from each of my two best friends this year – which is above the annual average!).

What made me happy was that the DVD that I had ordered off ebay finally arrived. My favourite vampire movie, Dracula A.D. 1972.

My previous attempts to obtain a copy of this movie, and why I emphasise the word ‘finally’, are unimportant. I have it, and it brought me joy.

And that joy is what is important.

Just thought I’d share this since a lot of the time my entries tend to be more focused on trying to overcome the negative than sharing a positive moment.

~Glitnir

I know that it’s been a while since my last journal entry, and I apologise to anyone who actually reads my entries. I have to explanation. The only reason I can find for my absence is the feeling that - although I am posting this on an open forum - I am talking to myself.

And more often than not, I am.

I don’t mean for this to sound whiny, but I have no true friends. In fact, even those I consider friends aren’t really friends. (Or at least they aren’t anymore.)

...I should probably do something about that. I don’t know how to make friends though.

.

..

...

Yeah. So. How is everyone?

~Glitnir

Well, DIVA’s back next to Penthouse at that newsagency. It’s the same issue even! Why would they move it?! Not sure if I should write another email to them or not. I’m not easily insulted, but that’s just not acceptable.

But I saw the newest issue of DIVA in the women’s interest section of one of the other newsagencies in the CBD (though it was just the one “Special Delivery/Air Freight” copy at the back) and found Curve magazine (another lesbian magazine that I’d heard of but hadn’t seen before) in another. If they can get it right, why can’t the one on the mall?

Anywho. I had another job interview. Then I had a second interview with them a few days later. I’m not sure I’m ready for such a job (emotionally or skill-wise) but I’m willing to give it a try. Whether or not I’m suitable is mostly up to them. I’ve applied for a few other positions that I’m more excited about, though they probably wouldn’t allow me to support myself financially.

This month I’ve got letters from two old friends (my bestest buddies actually) who I usually never hear from. I really should have bought stamps while I was at the post office today (Dear Mum, Sure, I’ll post the parcel to Dad, it’s not like I have anything else to do such as look for a job or anything. Thanks for asking. Love, Your Irritated Daughter) so that I can actually send my replies without having to go out of my way trying to find a post office.

You know...I don’t actually feel overly depressed at the moment. I feel rather sad and lonely, but mostly just frustrated. I guess that’s progress of a sort!

~Glitnir

Quote of the Day: "Life is too important to be taken seriously." ~Oscar Wilde

I never heard back from that newsagency, but when I went past yesterday DIVA was in its rightful place with the women’s magazines. I consider this a success and forgive them their ignorance.

I’m feeling extra bad in regards to job hunting and my mother. She was on the phone to dad a few nights ago and basically said “She’s not trying hard enough, she’s not doing it right, she needs to do more, she’s not really trying because she doesn’t really want a job and can’t be bothered.” Those weren’t her exact words, but that’s what her words and tone conveyed.

Well, thanks mum!

She said a similar thing again last night – while I was within earshot! Lowering your voice may mask some of your words, but your tone and certain words are still going to be audible when there’s no background noise! I had thought that at least mum understood that I want to work and that I’ve been trying, even if she doesn’t get anything else. But I guess it turns out that I have no support or sympathy from anyone.

One of these does I’m going to do something spiteful, like tell a security guard that I thought I saw her put something it her bag without paying for it. And it will probably be true.

But I don’t want to think about all that. It just upsets me and I don’t want to cry anymore because it doesn’t help.

I had other stuff I was going to write about, but now I can’t remember what they were...

~Glitnir

PS - According to the auto detect location thingy today I live in Boyland, Australia. Hilarious, LJ. Hi-larious.

Always look on the bright side.

Step 1: Identify something positive about the situation - no matter how small. (eg. My cat just got run over by a car = Save money on pet food.)
Step 2: Pretend that it in any way makes it better.
Step 3: Start believing it actually makes a difference, without actually noticing you actually believe it.
Step 4: Realise that you are now incapable of NOT seeing the positive - even when your life is covered in shite and letting go of that positive is the only way you can finally admit how bad things are get the help you need.
Step 5: Die of old age. (Or commit suicide. I'm not an advocate of suicide however, so the bright side of this step is that there's always the chance that you will get run over by a car like your cat.)

It's the sure-fire way to getting a positive attitude that really sticks!

"This is madness.

Right out of the starting gate, for one thing, to even attempt to create something artistically worthwhile, to even entertain the notion, for a moment, at this stage in the game when everything has been said and done so many times over by people more talented and brilliant than you can hope to be.

But more than that, to try to create something and give a shit about it. To put your heart and soul, and sweat and toil, and faith and talent, and everything else you can muster from God knows where into a project which is, in fact, doomed to fail, to shrink into insignificance in comparison to almost everything that inspired you to try to become a creator in the first place.

And even more than that, to give this futile process such importance in your life that it’s inevitable failure will come as a crushing blow, reducing you to a quivering mess, shivering naked in a parched emotional pit, from which the only thing that can offer the slightest glimmer of hope for salvation or healing is to do it all over again, and again.

If we observe this behaviour in some endangered animal species we might conclude that it was evolutionarily impossible, a charming, cosmic mistake, like the dodo, beyond salvation. In any case, definitely on the one-way highway to extinction, and perhaps we are.

But when you’re wired this way, no matter how you might look at it intellectually, no matter how you rationalize and break it down, you are left with no choice in the matter. Or rather, as mad and impossible and futile and disorienting and alienating as the process can be, the alternative to not create seems infinitely worse.

Not having ever been a junkie, I should be careful how I tread here but I can imagine there are parallels. Though the emotional and spiritual investment in the creative process raises the stakes a little. The psychic and existential danger as weighed against the more material degradation of physical addiction.

On the other hand, I have to admit, it ups the ante in another way, too. Occasionally, somehow, against astronomical odds, despite your usual fervent and misguided efforts to get in the way, the work is strong enough and urgent enough and it comes through clear, uncluttered. Cask strength, pure and intense.

And you look at it. And even after all the usual neurotic spirals of self-criticism and self-doubt, all the pointless deconstruction of analysis we cannot help but apply, though you know in your heart it’s wrong, somehow, the work is still there and you are drawn in an immersed in its beauty and strangeness.

And then, suddenly, the epiphany strikes. And you finally realize, in all honesty to your inmost self, “Hey, you know, that’s actually not half bad.” "

Tobias Tinker

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